When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
