I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
