It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
