I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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