Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He shit in the fireplace
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize