his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
