census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
