dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
