His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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