he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I FOUND THE LEGS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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