i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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