I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
