Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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