Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
