My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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