Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
