well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
