So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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