today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
