I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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