I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
