Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
