I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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