Will you blow on my dice?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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