last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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