she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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