I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
