when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
