when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
