Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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