Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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