i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
