the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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