Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
