never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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