Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
