i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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