Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
