Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
