DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
