So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
