Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
