i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize