Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
