i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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