I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
