my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
