I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
