guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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