omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
