I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
