I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
