I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My vagina is very pro this idea
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
