I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
