so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
