A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize