I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
