I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
